I'm sitting at my desk with my eyes closed trying to think of what to type and my friend is coming over 10 minutes ago so there is a certain pleasant urgency to writing now because there's this obvious deadline. Go go go. I have some terribly important questions burning holes in my head.
Do you think it's pretentious when listing your favorite authors to list their real names if they're frankly better known by their pen names? I mean if you say for example that Samuel Clemens is your favorite writer maybe that's not so hoity toity, I mean we know who that is, right, but if you say William Porter is that pushing it a bit? What if that writer also wrote less-famous things under their real name?
Is it funny when people in marketing talk a lot about themselves in one-on-one conversations or is that just me? I think that part of marketing is knowing your audience first and then charming them. Or not? I admit that I have sometimes played the game of trying to see how long it takes a person to realize that they know nothing about me. You know that game? The rules are fluid but generally you have to answer any question put to you as straightforwardly as possible while also pretty much making the other person feel so fascinating that they lose all interest in you. I think in my life I've met one person who was on to me. Partly this is because a lot of people I meet are pretty fascinating; fair enough. But I do think it's funny like if someone wants to tell you how awesome their week at the Dale Carnegie intensive course was, etc., before they even ask like I don't know about your hobbies or whatever. Awesome job learning "people skills" there; high five. Right? For clarity, I have an ego that could stuff a blue whale so really blah blah I'm still talking, here shhh.
How much does the way you answer a question have to do with trying to be entirely honest vs. trying to sound smart or funny vs. not really thinking about these things at all?
If you had one day in the United States what would you do with it? Is it wrong that I want to spend it shopping? Is there a special bad place for me? Or is it like, no, Anne, nobody hates you because you're beautiful and you're Worth It etc. It's probably a little gross, you're probably right. On the other hand allow me to show you what a typical Czech dressing room looks like and then you can judge, mmkay? I mean am I going to burn if I spend more than let's say a hundred dollars and then don't go to an art museum or something? Can I just go to the movies?
Things have been better than this but they have also been worse. Until I bust out the Tori Amos I think we can all say it's going splendidly well. Okay I already busted out the Tori Amos and the Alanis Morissette so whoops but to my credit I did not post it to facebook or anything. I've been a little oh, my special unique pain that is all only mine and is also pretty well expressed in this best-selling album. I still cry like a teenager but at least I have a little elderly-wisdom distance while doing so. And it was a pretty good year. You oughta know. What's your sad and angry anthem?
When you were 13, how did you think about romance? Did it seem like something you absolutely yearned for? Kinda corny, but you still kinda wanted it? Icky? Not necessarily 13: I mean when you were on the cusp of experiencing relationships but had not yet had any. For me I had my first kiss at 15 so I'm thinking about 14, about what I expected then. I think I thought I was much too sophisticated for that kind of nonsense, which is why by the age of 18 I had a shell of cynicism so thick that one boyfriend said he would never dare to buy me flowers because I would mock him and destroy them. I actually kind of liked flowers and still do, though I can count on one hand the number of times I've gotten them as a romantic gesture. My friend who is now like 30 minutes later than I expected has brought me flowers from time to time, even though just talking is enough. The coffee is going to be kind of bitter but I'm not going to worry my pretty little head about it.
You know I think knowing all the lyrics to Knights in White Satin is a perfectly good substitute for knowing the names of trees. I'm like, thank you brain for storing all those Duran Duran lyrics, because otherwise I would know the names of birds, the periodic table, or something else totally useless. Good job brain. Way to prioritize. What have you stored that baffles you? Childhood phone numbers, friend's names from pre-school, the teachers from high school, the license plate of every car you owned; do you remember all your Halloween costumes? Does it help if I tell you now that you are not alone? Or would you rather know that scientists somewhere are probably working on a way to re-prune your gray matter so that you can memorize more important things, like maybe you would like to remember where you put your passport or what was the thing you wanted to go shopping for, anyway, while you stand in the middle of the mall with a dazed look: Was it a Christmas present? Did you already forget Christmas? Do you need to buy more righteously, indignantly wounded music?