Eventually I slip away from the tour group
and wander out into the castle courtyard.
The grounds have not been tended for years -
Ninety minus forty-five years, exactly.
I take out a cigarette, because I am learning
to be European. A plume of smoke says,
"I have never been so lonely,"
but in fact I was much lonelier, once,
on the tenth floor and I did not jump then.
My heart is harder now; burned to brittle.
I have a great deal less to lose.
From the balcony above me a girl is crying
and her mother's clenched voice scolds,
"Stop this instant or I'll give you something to cry about."