tuckova

something my former hands had longed for

I had a Heart Episode at the dentist's yesterday. I really want it to Mean Something, or to at least have had a life-passed-before-my-eyes etc, but mainly what I'm taking away is that I am pissed at myself for compounding it by panicking. Also grateful that I got to call Friar and be all WHOA about it and he didn't even tell me I totally didn't have a heart attack until we were both safely home. My resting heart temperature is like 60 now; that's amazing and good right. I mean I'm not worried about my heart. I am a drama queen and I am bringing the drama, here it is: drama. I didn't tell Squire about how the main thing that scared me was thinking that I wouldn't see him again, and how determination to get over that fear was important in terms of focused getting home action. My drama has changed since the days when I thought that 27 was a good time to die, so there's that.

I think not liking the oversell of bacon is the new bacon.

I think that it is awesome how ugly Edward James Olmos is. Yes I am late to the Battlestar Gallactica show, but at least I'm here now. It is nothing new to observe that in pretty much any given film the women are going to be prettier and younger, but I still had to rack my brains to think of any woman who is even close to Olmos's league. The only woman I can think of that comes close is Linda Hunt, and I think she can act circles around Olmos, and he is really good. So maybe I could now make a blanket statement about how all ugly people who go into acting are probably really amazing, and how great would it be to have a movie with all ugly people. Except I thought Michelle Pfeiffer did a great job in Frankie and Johnny so I just blew my own idea out of the water.

I think it is funny how parents raise the kids they can stand to have and then think that all that personality is just on the kids. Certainly I think people are born with a certain amount of stuff in place, but if your kid can't fall asleep without noise-canceling headphones, I think that's on you. I'm talking only about other parents: Squire is totes his own person.

I think that it is interesting how I process maybe one thought every year. This year so far the thought seems to be "You're kidding, right?" which is when people express a level of stupid so incomprehensible to me that I think the only possible explanation is that they're joking. So far there seems to be no way to verify it with most people that I don't know, or even people I know without being really insulting, so this is a mostly internal process.

The amount of my thinking that is occupied by the past is not to be underestimated.

tug

Logic and emotion are fighting again. Logic says I don't understand and Logic does some explaining of why understanding is important while Emotion's feet tap impatiently. Impatience is also an emotion that Emotion has. Emotion wants to be trusted. Emotion says I shouldn't have to explain why I feel this; it should be enough for you that I say I feel it. Logic doesn't know what to say about that, because Logic feels the ice cracking all around. Feels it like through vibrations, not with feelings. Emotion says can you please just please try. Logic says I am trying and Emotion says not hard enough you're not. Logic talks about common sense and being sensible and Emotion talks about sensitivity. Emotion wants to know why Logic's point of view gets to go first all the time. Logic counts off facts using graphs and figures and fingers. Emotion starts to cry. Logic says why are you being so emotional. Logic passes over the tissues and puts out a hand all can't we be friends and Emotion says between sobs never mind, never never mind.

whoa welcome to February

The conversation with the principal about "Perhaps the school should alert parents to the fact that their kids are on facebook" did not go quite as planned, since for example he did not know that his own school has a facebook page. He thought I was warning him THERE IS PRON ON THE INTERNETS!! which I was actually on like, the fifth book in that series, but whatever: baby steps.

Last week there was also a conflict with the gym teacher; he apparently thought that we were making fun of him with our very politely worded "Please excuse Squire from the whole-class detention" letter. The guy has some respect issues, as do I, so we started at least with that in common. I was kind of outraged about the whole situation; Friar seemed to be afraid I was going to go in and actually kick the guy's teeth in. Apparently he didn't understand that I have to get really angry as a form of girding. Maybe it's my Cold War upbringing but my thought is that I need to be armed, not that I need to fire. Naturally when I went in there my intention was to make sure that we're all on the side of getting my child as well educated as possible. I was all California smiles and charm. My people skilz are unfathomable so now we're all best friends and stuff; I know all about his daughters and his cottage and his 10 year break from teaching and his blood pressure and alla that. And he has a better understanding of Squire, and wheee, job well done awesome high five to myself.

"Unemployment" (by which I mean: no longer collecting a steady predictable paycheck) is not really all that bad; I've got enough work coming to keep my devil's playthings busy. I do spend a lot of time reading and a lot of time looking up stupid crap that I have no actual interest in, and I watched the entire first season of GLEE in basically one sitting, but ehn, things are happening. The brain surgeons keep giving me work, and then fun little things along the way, like a job reading a book for a recording for blind people.

Yesterday Squire and I cleaned his room. It's basically the first time I've set foot in there since September (I call "goodnight" from the doorway, because whoa! he is messy.) I generally believe that you should be allowed to keep your own room, but like, not when you can barely open the door, so it was time for an intervention. FIVE HOURS, yo. Mostly because the archaeological significance of many things had to be appreciated for a few minutes, which my Pave The Earth housekeeping style does not understand and so I had to have frequent breaks to keep from screaming. But anyway, it got done.

I am distressed by people who do not understand LOLCATS grammar and try to make up their own, like they think it's just speaking English badly rather than any actual structure. Also irritated all out of proportion by people who "loveeeeeeee" things. It is a silent E; you are not emphasizing anything by typing it a dozen times. Yeah, so I'm going to go to Prague for a bit and take care of an actual baby until I can start thinking like a grown-up again. Wish for pretty weather for me!