frosty wind made moan

I dreamed I had lost the ability to read. The words were on the page but my eyes couldn't focus, or my brain couldn't sort it. I tried to Google to find out what was wrong: had I had a stroke? But I couldn't read any of the information. Absolutely terrible. My dreams lately have been this very literal and tedious expression of my basic fears. Thanks brain. Can't a person get a train ride with a good looking somebody wearing Chanel up in this bed? Torrid>terror.

I am having the same damn parenting struggle I have in other relationships, which is "when should I do something for someone's own good vs. when should I let them learn from their own mistakes". I'll dole out advice at the drop of a question mark, but keeping my mouth shut otherwise is an endless battle. My general feeling is that my job as a parent is to be a safety net while he does all the highwire action; the funambulism of adolescence in particular is best conducted independently. But lately I've found myself up at the anchor point, nudging nudging nudging him just to take a damn step out on the wire. GAH! DO IT! It is not good for me, because I feel less human doing it - having for example learned for myself the lesson that the teenage lesson learned alone is the one learned most thoroughly, it irks me to feel like I'm robbing someone's independence by telling them what they should learn for themselves. On the other hand I was a teacher once, and I know sometimes a steadying presence is needed. So I'm up on the anchor, cajoling, motivating, etc., and then it's like I wake from a dream in which I have become the very person I didn't want to be, the over-controller, and I scootch back down into safety net mode, where I feel better, but then I see my tiny boy way up there on the wire, a little fearful, and does he need to learn for himself that he is brave or shouldn't I just whisper it to him etc.

I'm glad I only had one kid. I frankly don't have the guts for more. Hats off to anybody who does; that's tightrope walking while juggling.

I have plans for pretty much every day from the 25th to January 1st, but I don't feel particularly festive. We decorated some. I'm mostly excited about midnight tonight, when the days officially start getting longer and I can stop worrying that I won't make it through a Czech winter. I'm not saying it's OVER, but every minute more of sunshine counts.

YEAR IN REVIEW

The theme for 2010 was THIS SUCKS. I started freelancing, which was okay by November but was tense and hard for a long while. I had a cancer scare, my oldest friend died suddenly, my marriage ended, and two friends ended their friendships with me (for different reasons, and respect and love to them because all my friends are awesome, even the former ones, but still, it was hard for me). My goal for 2011 was PLEASE SUCK LESS and I have to say it has been very successful. Work is not yet sufficient in quantity but it is much better & I still love what I do, health is okay, I've managed to regain friendship with the ex, strengthened some older friendships, and made some new friends besides, and I only lost one whole friend. Collective win! We went to Costa Rica and California, which means I got almost enough sunshine to carry me through a bleak winter. I would summarize the things that went badly in 2011 as "Yes, but it's not my fault, because I didn't do anything wrong, so I'm not going to feel bad about it" which is a refreshing change from the open-throated agony of "What did I do to cause this?" or the even more waily "What did I do to deserve this?" Thumbs up for therapy, y'all. And assuming the world doesn't end in 2012, I have really high -yet reasonable- hopes. I might, for example, start going to the gym regularly again. IT COULD HAPPEN. 

Comments

[snozma]

It's already so tough I don't even want to think about what will happen in adolescence.

Ay, mi.

I am shocked you would think you should keep your mouth shut. I wonder if that's cause you've got a boy. I assume I have to do the guidance thing every second with a maximum amount of blather. But I don't know what adolescence-parenting is like, probably.

Hm. Maybe I'll try this let them do their own high wire thing more.

[anne]

Oz, I'm a total bossypants with things like manners, chores, things that affect me -- but as far as what subjects he should choose to study or what career he should aim for, or how he should conduct his own social life, I think it's not my business. It is HARD.

[jenny_drifting]

Inspired parent. I'll try to remember that in 4 years time.