please see your doctor regularly

Today I found out that I do not have cancer. It was highly unlikely that I did, but the two weeks I was waiting for test results were pretty awful for me and probably anybody who had to listen to me. So that was a relief. I quickly moved beyond being relieved, which makes sense, to being pissed at myself and really embarrassed. I feel things very intensely but I'm generally a fairly level-headed person, and this crazy amount of dread, and the crazy if/then hamster wheel I put myself on, and my near-surreal need for reassurance felt like a betrayal of my character by... myself. Either it's bad or it isn't, but the two weeks while you wait for the results are not an appropriate time to freak out. Freak out after the results are bad, or better yet don't freak out at all. You know? It was stupid. It was like somehow if I worried enough I could influence the results? It's not that kind of test though, and anyway I am not a great holder of breath. Anyway, I'm fine. I am shifting myself back to relief, which is the more appropriate emotion, and to continued resolutions to take care of myself as if I were my best friend and not secretly a lunatic. I got home and painted my face up to see what I would look like when I get old. Deep frowny bits sure, but also I've already got some pretty good laugh lines already going on. It was not unhopeful. Then I forgot to take the makeup off before Squire came home, so he had kind of a surprise, there.

Comments

[Julia@kolo]

Tremendously glad to hear. And I second your message. Cervical cancer is the most easily avoidable cancer in the world now, as long as women get routine checkups. Also, hitting the dermatologist routinely - a very good thing.

I would have freaked out too, by the way. It is impossible to keep a mind from freaking in moments like that; do not beat yourself up about it.

[mig]

I'm glad you don't have cancer.

[kathy n]

testing the stupid comment thang