"As you can see, the fin de siècle..."
Eventually I slip away from the tour group
and wander out into the castle courtyard.
The grounds have not been tended for years -
Ninety minus forty-five years, exactly.
I take out a cigarette, because I am learning
to be European. A plume of smoke says,
"I have never been so lonely,"
but in fact I was much lonelier, once,
on the tenth floor and I did not jump then.
My heart is harder now; burned to brittle.
I have a great deal less to lose.
From the balcony above me a girl is crying
and her mother's clenched voice scolds,
"Stop this instant or I'll give you something to cry about."
Eventually I slip away from the tour group
and wander out into the castle courtyard.
The grounds have not been tended for years -
Ninety minus forty-five years, exactly.
I take out a cigarette, because I am learning
to be European. A plume of smoke says,
"I have never been so lonely,"
but in fact I was much lonelier, once,
on the tenth floor and I did not jump then.
My heart is harder now; burned to brittle.
I have a great deal less to lose.
From the balcony above me a girl is crying
and her mother's clenched voice scolds,
"Stop this instant or I'll give you something to cry about."
Is that you, with the burned brittle heart?
I hate that a mother would say that. I may fail as a mother in many ways but I never say that.
Posted by: ozma | May 26, 2010 at 06:46 AM
O - It's a mash-up and distortion, but basically it's me. I thought I was as emotionally burned as I could be when I got here, and spent a lot of time smoking cigarettes in untended gardens, castle and otherwise.
I heard that sentence more than once in a pediatric cancer ward. I understand parenting stress and pain but I can't imagine being driven to that anger.
Posted by: tuckova | May 26, 2010 at 07:03 AM
I came to this blog by accident, but I found very interesting. Greetings to all who visit here.
Posted by: baresytapas | May 30, 2010 at 07:04 PM