shopping

the last time i bought a bathing suit i was... uhm. oh, let's not play ladies. i was larger than i am now. so and i'm going to greece next month and i need a bathing suit that will not be wrested from me by a big wave. so i went to buy a bathing suit.

how to buy a bathing suit:
step 1: DON'T. look life is short. what do you want with a bathing suit? seriously, go to the mountains or something instead. while realizing that greece is a dream you've had since you were 12, and that greece has the longest sandiest beach of ever, and that greece is a mere plane flight away, and that greece for 12 days is cheaper than a plane ticket to america... dude, greece is hot. stay home. you could work on the cottage or something.
and also you, with your glow in the dark whitey whiteness, would be banned from beaches if such banning were legal. the three of you together are like some milky way constellation. you belong in the sky, or possibly in some mushroomy cave somewhere. you have no business being on the beach.
or maybe you should wear a muumuu or something, skip the bathing suit and that irritating note of rising hysteria in your voice.

step 2: okay shut up. you do some internetly clicking which is always fun because they're like: this suit covers up a large bust. this suit covers up a large belly. this suit covers up a large ass. you want the suit that makes you invisible: where is that suit? the suit you want is the suit for frolicking in the water with your son without getting sand in your parts. you want the suit that's for getting drunk on the beach and stumbling back to the pension (a mere crawl from the beach!) to play catan. where is that suit? that suit is not available in stores, and you can't get it by mail order either. give up the idea of a suit that suits. you're thinking: tankini top, and you'll buy some boy's trunks and anybody that looks askance gets poked in the eye.

step 3: go to TESCO. you hate TESCO with the burning hatred of a thousand suns, but it is somehow connected to target (the only place you've bought a bathing suit that fit) and therefore you think they may have some reasonable bathing suits. you will be wrong. they have hideous yellow things covered in what appears to be glitter.  they have bathing suits that make their mannequins look fat and or badly proportioned.  they have a bikini top that you actually try on because you like pain; this bikini top would go well with your drunk on the beach scenario, as it gives you a shelf upon which to rest several beers, but it is otherwise really a nightmare and it costs a ridiculous amount. they have mirrors tilted in at an approximate thirty degree angle, presumably because restocking is hard and simply not moving the merch is the way that TESCO is playing its hand. they also have a peeping tom(as) in the dressing room, which goes well with the mirrors. you feel angry, you feel filthy, you feel weepy and punchy. you also feel like you will never find a bathing suit.

step 4: press hand weakly to forehead. perhaps you could make a victorian bathing suit, although that will probably get even more askancing, and victorian ladies do not poke eyes out.

step 5: write in desperation to sister, who has better fashion sense than you do, and is not driven to tears by shopping but in fact actually enjoys it. apparently your sister and your mother are happy to spend your mother's birthday shopping for a bathing suit for you. you cannot conceive of a sentence that has happy and shopping in it. you are probably a changeling. a changeling who is having a bathing suit sent to her, though!

the thing is, while i've bought enough regular clothes to have gotten over the idea of Transformation, i can count the number of bathing suits i've owned in my adult life (uhm... four), and so some part of me probably is still stuck back at age 16, all self-loathing and eternal moments. but the thing is: self-loathing is boring, and no moment lasts forever, whether it's a knee-melting kiss or a creep staring through the cracks in the dressing room door. i've got better stuff to do than this. for example, now that my hair's short, i can start dyeing it interesting colors again. and i may require more earrings for my freshly exposed ganesha ears. also: i'm going to GREECE next month. woot.

Comments

[mig]

have you considered this?
http://www.ahiida.com/

[tuckova]

Mig--

NO.

[joe]

you can be naked in greece. on the beaches, that is. just about everybody is. so much so you start to feel WEIRD if you're wearing a bathing suit. you stand out, you dressed-person, you.

[ThatGuy]

Greece...

Hate. You.

[Julia]

Ah, to have shoppers in the family. My female family members are also wonderful in that way but they shop for the under 4 set rather than for me. Usually fine but currently I am in the same awful suit delimma and have family shopper envy.

I suspect that this vacation I will be found lounging on the stone banks of the Moser river (in Germany) with the black bathing suit I inherited from an aunt in my early 20s (her late 50s). It is very stylish, as you can imagine. Nearly as stylish as our holiday spot!

So, the suit? What is it?

[tuckova]

Julia- It's a two-piece from Target (she got two, because she's my sister and thinks choice is GOOD rather than TERRIFYING).
You could always order stuff and have it shipped to you (?).