do be do be do

i'm not in my cleverest place. i have a dozen things on my mind and every single one of them i start to talk gently to, ima lure you in and figure you out, i say, and i hold it in my hands and then think this is not the thing, this is not it, examining this will not make me better or anything different and what is it with me and my need to hold, to define, to describe. i start sentences that are full of promise and then i feel like, i don't know, haven't i said this sentence before. i know how i feel, you know how i feel, what possible interest can there be in this for me. for you. anybody. even the things themselves skulk away from me in a combination of fear and slithery boredom that makes me wonder. what am i up to? i can't say.

here's one thing that i'm thinking about: why is it hard to do things for myself physically? i don't mean the way i look, like "why can't i figure out the trick to mascara?" or "why does cutting my hair sound like so much bother?" about 10 years ago i went through a thing where i couldn't leave the house for a variety of reasons, one of which was that i had this feeling that i shouldn't be in public without a bag over my head and i didn't have a bag in the house that would fit. it was a very complex feeling; i was not what you would call at my most sane at the time. anyway, i've come to terms with the fact that i have never been pretty but nor have i ever needed a paper bag over my head. when you get to know me you will say i am "actually kind of attractive, in an unusual way". i know that now. but i had this nasty thinking about my appearance for years, alternating between self-loathing and a sort of vaguely tolerant acceptance, and although now i like to think of my attitude towards my appearance as "reasonable affection" the effects of the negativity are still apparent, and it's spread to areas that aren't about appearance but health. exercising is easy but remembering to do it is hard. eating vegetables is easy but remembering to buy them is hard. drinking water instead of coffee is easy but somehow there's the coffee in my hand again. why is that. none of these things are even about long term results, it's like immediate gratification for me the minute i get my heart rate up over 120, and the next day when my stomach doesn't feel all clotted and hateful, and the night when i can fall asleep instead of lying in bed doing inventory of all the bad things i've done in my life. and yet here i am.

i know people who don't do things for themselves because there's this fear of failure, and i suspect it's the same ridiculous logic. like, if i don't study and i get a C, i can say it's because i didn't study. but if i study and get a C, then it's because i'm stupid. i think at some point i hitched my health to the idea of my looks, and although i know that exercise, vegetables, and caffeine free won't turn me out of a pumpkin, i somehow have the lingering feeling that striving is somehow setting myself up. not like setting myself up on a nice date with the new improved me, but like, setting myself up to drop a bucket on my head. so i'm fighting with this bitty leftover person in my head who doesn't want us to try to be good and fail to look good, and it's a thumb war of horrific proportions. today i had spinach and turkey for lunch, and tvaroh with possibly the last tomato-flavored tomatoes of the year. it was good.

but you see how this is not the thing, isn't it; how i almost pinned it but it got out from under me. it's not like i can't get where i'm going, it's that i get halfway there and think: hasn't this been covered? get a spine and think about something that really takes your whole brain instead of another mirthless dive at how old habits die hard. glar.

Comments

[adrian]

Slippery thoughts but the whole things slippery i spose.

My dad rented a travelogue of the Czech Republic after I showed him some photos of your cottage.

We just watched it so I was thinking of you and yours.

This entry makes me feel very kindred and then I feel stupid for feeling 'me too' about something so obviously not me, and yet. Well.

For me it might be not looks but 'athletic' as an image of success. If I exercise and it doesn't magically turn me into an athlete or an exercise junkie what then? hmm.
Maybe I should just go drink some water and stop typing.

well anyway cheers love.

[ThatGuy]

"and the night when i can fall asleep instead of lying in bed doing inventory of all the bad things i've done in my life."

but, that's what I do TO fall asleep. It makes me feel so warm and centered. By the time I get to my thirties, I'm out like a light.

[ozma]

I've wondered this about myself in every realm possible--work and sleep and health and you name it (exercise for me is a guilty pleasure so that one doesn't come up)--and then I think of our inaction about climate change and then I think: We are monkeys with a death wish. Yeah, how did evolution work so that these crazy monkeys who--when they aren't killing themselves, kill each other--come to RULE THE PLANET? Something's not right there. How adaptable is the tendency towards constant self-destruction?

I guess we ran away from lions and that small element of self-preservation made a large difference or we only get like this in complex sociocultural environments with leisure time in the absence of lions to run away. So there's that--you would run away from a lion. So perhaps the absence of immediate threats is the reason you can't do what's best for you. Thus, another explanation for our species-wide self-undermining tendencies would be: Not enough lions.

I know, I know, you have to fight against the monkey brain. But let's face it, our madness is probably inherent.

OK, so there's an explanation. AND IT USES SCIENCE. Badly, but y'know.

Oh, and coffee? It's good for you! And it doesn't even dehydrate. It's water plus a little extra. Science saves the day once again.

[Les]

"i start sentences that are full of promise and then i feel like, i don't know, haven't i said this sentence before. i know how i feel, you know how i feel, what possible interest can there be in this for me. for you."

Oooohhhh, I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

Although today I think I crossed over the hump. I hear the answers pinging in the back of my brain.

Here's hopin', more sooner than later, that you too slip back into phase.

Cheers, A.

[patry]

I never remember to get my hair cut either--and it looks like crap. Thanks for reminding me to DO something about that. This week. Maybe even monday.